There are so many ways people will try to seduce someone into having sex with them, but we often forget that there’s a flip-side: the funny excuses people use to avoid sex. Though culture often places sex at the top of peoples’ desires, even needs, not everyone always wants to have it. And we definitely don’t always want to have it with the person who wants to have it with us. But, because we don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, people get a little creative.
We go to a house party with her friends and drink until 2 am. At that point, she asks me if I want to crash on her couch. The thing is, I’m actually really far from home. I have no car. I’m drunk. Public transportation will take hours. So, I agree – sure, I’ll crash on your couch.
Now, she was not at all unattractive – far from it. The thing is, I had spent quite a bit of time with her in college, and there had never been any spark. We had been in a touring performance group together, rehearsed for hundreds of hours, gone on road trips, shared hotel rooms, etc. She fought constantly with other members of the group. She hooked up with a couple of the guys – all older than me. I didn’t judge her for that, but I knew enough to know that I didn’t want to get involved.
Anyway, we get into her apartment. She says, “Oh f*ck it, I don’t feel like making up the couch, you can just sleep on my bed. It’s no big deal, it will be just like we’re on tour.”
So we get into bed. I’m lying on my back, she on hers. We stay that way silently for several minutes. I can tell she’s wide awake. And then, suddenly, I feel her hand on my leg. It starts stroking my thigh. Her nails dig in. She goes farther and further up my leg, rubbing back-and-forth.
Oh f*ck f*ck f*ck. I really don’t want to do this. But I certainly don’t want to explain that, either. So, I think fast. And let out a loud, rasping, rattling snore.
Her hand pauses.
Her hand moves away.
I rev up the chainsaw for about five minutes. Eventually, she rolls over on her side and goes to sleep. Bullet dodged. She kept her pride, while I kept my dainty manhood intact.
A Gentlemen With No Nose Hair
We get to a party and my sober-ass is bored. A very, very drunk woman I know from one of my classes starts hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’ll f*ck my brains out. Sober me thought this isn’t kosher since she is hammered, so I turn around for a moment and yank a few hairs out of my nose, making my eyes water and my nose run and I say “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out?”
I give her my phone number and she finds it so sweet she passes out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she comes up to me, gives me a HUGE hug, and thanks me for not being a dick. We end up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.
A Smell And A Runner
Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly, (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I take her panties off I almost gag.
So I do what any manly man would do – I immediately excuse myself to the bathroom and escape through the window.
There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split-second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said “Wow, you guys don’t seem gay?”
Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw-dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest. Came outta there with a great story though.
Mom To The Rescue
In a moment of weakness, I decided I’m going to hit this. I gave her my address, and she started driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out.
I called my mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she’d be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower.
Her friend then arrived, and immediately stripped down naked before the door even shuts. She started straddling me and my phone rang. I picked it up, put it on speaker, and it was my mother saying she’s about five minutes away.
Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted.
An Actual Sprint
After a bit, she tried to slip me in, and because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a death-lock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there, and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “no” and again with her death-grip on me started to steer me back into her.
In my head I was thinking “F*ck AIDS and sh*t. I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.” Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk-ass instead went ‘Ohhhh!’ and pointed out across the street. When she looked, all in one motion, I spun out of her grip, grabbed my pants back up, and went into a full sprint, jumping the fence into someone’s yard. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you fu*king kidding me!”
Simple And To The Point
Nobody wants to have sex with someone who has diarrhea.
LIbrary Camp Out
No Girls Allowed
Whiskey A No-No
Finally A Use For Landlines
I’m getting more and more weirded out by this girl and don’t want to have anything to do with her, but what can I do?
I then realize I had two phone lines in the house (this was before cell phones were popular) and one phone was alongside the couch on the floor so I sat down, leaned my arm over the side and dialed the other phone where she couldn’t see, then when the phone rang I picked it up.
“Hello? Yes. What? Are you sure? Right now? Ok, yes, I’m on my way.”
And without even looking at her I went into my bedroom, grabbed a handgun, slid a clip into it, chambered a round, and placed the gun inside my waistband and said, “You’re going to have to leave, I’ve got something to take care of.”
A Tight Squeeze
My wrestling instincts took control. I flipped her over, now on top of her with her arms pinned, and she looked excited. I hopped up, and “WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP” and Zoidberg-crab-walk away. She did turn out to be crazy as f*ck.
Don’t Forget Your Hat
Let’s Get Kinky
I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up. I was courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, she offered to give me a ride home. F*ck it, it was free, so I took it.
Once we got in the car she continued seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asked why I don’t just stay with her and I replied, as I did quite a bit at this point, that I have a GF and love her. She asked what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick. I went past being uncomfortable and began getting pissed.
I kept my cool, and explained that if I were to go to hers then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box. She asked what that means, and I told her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seemed a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want.
So I said, “If you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with.”
I kept going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we got a couple miles down the road at my house, this b*tch couldn’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar again, either.
“Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”
I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a bat out of hell.
A Veritable Bounty
They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff. All my housemates were up when I got back and wanted to know where I had found a farmer’s market so late at night.
Thank You, Jesus
I lived in a small town where dating was really, really hard. I was mid-late 20s and the only people I ever met were married, and it was actually pretty depressing. One Saturday morning I wake up and had a random Facebook message from some girl in town asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Looked through her pictures; cute, nice body, decent job, and within five years of my age!
We decided to hang out at my house and watch a football game. She showed up looking at least 20lbs heavier than her pictures and some pretty broken-out skin, but I was okay with that, more curious to see what she was like. I had bought us pizza and booze for the night. She scarfed down her portion of the pie before I’d finished half of mine. Next, onto the booze. She finished her bottle of sangria in about 3 minutes literally chugs every drink.
She was getting pretty tipsy within 30 minutes of showing up. But that wasn’t enough, so she kept sneaking into the kitchen and drinking vodka straight from the bottle (I caught her the 3rd time). Classy, huh?
The rest of the night involved her trying to get me to make out with her repeatedly. When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeded to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her IPhone headphones, then started screaming along to her music.
Finally, she apologized and I managed to get her calmed down. At this point she started trying to get things dirty-dirty, to which I’m thinking, “nope. not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offered anal.
Even with the promise of said anal, I could not get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the second her shorts came off. I gagged. And that’s when I found Jesus.