UPVOTE THE TOYS YOU DISLIKED. Yeah yeah, I know, a lot of people couldn’t afford a lot of things. And of course, your parents loved you. But sometimes you just need stuff to be good. And when it comes to building spaceships, drawing, and even playing with action figures, you didn’t want them falling apart after a few hours of play. But if you were under tight circumstances and had frugal parents, you were forced to live this life. The title of the list is obviously a joke, but when you were at that age, it sure as hell felt like your parents were giving you the worst crap in the world on purpose, as some kind of weird, Guantanamo-esque punishment. Kids are jerks. But all these choices are spot on.
Remember Christmas morning when you woke up totally pumped to dig in to your stocking only to realize it was filled with socks and crumbly white Russel Stover candies that weren’t even a good imitation of the chocolate Santas all your friends were getting? This is a sure sign that your parents were cheap. Or didn’t love you. One, the other, both. Point is, there were many of us in the ’80s and ’90s who were unaware (or at least in denial) of the fact that our parents were passing off cheap toys as what are now the most nostalgia-inducing toys of the ’80s and the best toys of the ’90s.
As an adult, you’ve likely figured out that your parents were holding back on the good toys. Now, it’s not like you didn’t have fun with Tiger handheld games with its players that only moved in two directions, but dammit, now that you know there are kids out there drawing pictures with crayons not covered in a thick layer of wax (I hate you with the passion of a thousand wax-addled suns, RoseArt), aren’t you a little pissed your parents couldn’t be bothered to spend the extra $.50 and get Crayola? Clearly I’m not…
If you say to yourself, “hey, my parents loved me and bought me really cool stuff,” then go through this list of toys that prove your parents were cheap and see EVERY toy you ever owned, you may be blissfully unaware of your parents penny-pinching ways when it came to toys. Sorry to burst your bubble. But hey, look at all the this fun you’re having reminiscing about your crappy childhood toys! And this list is free! Your parents would be so proud.
RoseArt Crayons: The Worst Crayons in the World
Ugh, and don’t even get me started on the RoseArt paints. They never even worked!
Deformed Off-Brand Barbie Knock-Offs
Pencils With No Erasers. When is That Ever MORE Convenient?
$1 Pool Tables With Instantly-Breaking Spring Mechanisms
Cheap Frisbees That Clearly Came From Some Work Event
Off-Brand Action Figure Knock-Offs
MegaBlocks, Because They Were NOT LEGOs. They Weren’t Even Duplos.
Knock-Off TIGER Games
1. Spending most of the time figuring out whether or not “hitting” an enemy was actually doing anything.
2. Convincing yourself that multiple button combinations were even a thing.
3. Pressing the buttons until one of them actually worked and learning that Hulk Hogan only punches when you press ‘Punch’ really hard three times.
One of These Terrifying Imitation Glo-Worms
Knock-Off Pogoballs aka Pogo Death Traps
These things weren’t as much of a toy as they were a challenge. “Get this to work.”
Really Obscure Characters of the Name-Brand Action Figures
I swear to God I was a happy child, but in retrospect, a lot of these things annoyed me.
GoBots aka The Lame Transformers
Actual TIGER Handheld Games
Yes, Game Boys were super expensive and these were popular because they were super affordable, but imagine a world in which any video game characters could only move to 3 different places on the screen and had an action-range of 3 things (jumping, kicking, punching).
Mexican Ball Toy… Okay This One Was Cool.
This Laser Sword That Would Break Like Rock Candy Whenever You Actually Hit Stuff With It
Popoids aka Not-LEGOs with Eyelashes
Those Fishing Sets With the Magnet-Mouthed Fish
Wacky Wall Walkers aka The Vending Machine Consolation Prize For Not Getting A Toy
Notebook Games: Good Intentions, Horrible Results
Note to parents everywhere: FIELD-TEST your kids’ toys. This will save much inconvenience and heartbreak.
Learning Toys — Because Learning Isn’t Fun
Ramagon aka Knoc-Off K’Nex
Jenny Dolls aka The Japanese Barbie Knock-Offs (Which, If You Ask Me, Are Cooler)