As Methods of Mayhem famously said, “Get naked.” Surely they meant, “Get naked while adhering to a strict set of rules.” And if that’s not what they meant, it’s certainly on the minds of every attendee at a nudist colony. From time to time, you must wonder, “how do nudist colonies work?” Well, thanks to the magic of the Internet, you can learn all about the importance of towels and the intense hatred for photography that exists in the world of nude beaches and resorts. Keep reading to learn some of the strangest nudist colony rules, ones you’ve always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask (or maybe just had no one to ask about).
Rules at nudist colonies are some of the most important mandates in civilized society. After all, if there are no nudism rules, how can there by any rules? And with no rules, society devolves into a state of chaos. If you’re thinking about visiting a nudist colony for the first time, or if you’re an interested voyeur, this list of strange nudist colony guidelines will get you in the right head space to play a naked game of gin rummy. And if you prescribe to the groovy nudist lifestyle and notice anything missing from this list, feel free to leave a comment.
No Lingerie, Underwear, Or Suggestive Attire
Remember, you’re headed to a nudist colony, not a strip club.
You Don't Have To Be Naked
At Desert Sun, clothing isn’t required anywhere on the property, however nudity is a must at the pools, Jacuzzis and while on the pool decks. And no need to bring a swimsuit since those are banned too. Owner Elizabeth Young says, “Unlike some places, requiring nudity in and around the pool puts everyone on the same level and there is no judgment. Desert Sun Resort has found that this works well for first timers to feel comfortable. There is nothing worse than being at a clothing optional resort and you are the only one nude in the pool.”
Do Not Feed The Alligators
Cypress Cove, a nudist resort and spa in swampy Florida, strongly recommends against feeding the alligators. Mainly because they’re alligators, and, naked or not, they want to kill you.
Don't Have Sex In Front Of Everyone
WRONG. According to an article on Huffington Post about the myth-vs-reality of nudist colony life, “It may seem hard to believe, what with all the naked people running around, but nudist resorts are not sexually charged environments. Any type of overt sexual behavior is actually a big no-no.”
You Have To Carry A Towel At All Times
To quote the Nudist Etiquette & Rules from Cypress Cove, a nudist resort and spa in Kissimmee, FL, “Carry a towel with you at all times and ALWAYS SIT ON YOUR TOWEL for sanitary reasons.”
The concept, it turns out, is universal. The rules of pretty much every nudist colony/resort/beach stress the importance of bringing a towel along with you for sanitary reasons (and just in case you need something to cover up a sudden boner).
You Can Bring Your Kids
Hatten: Children are always welcome. Adults are responsible for their children’s behavior, and will be held accountable for any misconduct, rule violations or damages.
Q: Is it strange for children to walk around a place with a bunch of nude grown-ups?
Hatten: No. The ones that come out here have been raised in a nude lifestyle. And they’re very comfortable with it. They don’t look or point or stare — they’ve been doing it all their lives.
Make Sure You're Actually At A Nudist Colony (Before Whipping Your Junk Out)
Stop Staring At People
So it’s a big no to have some weirdo gawking. This is a very important point. A nudist environment is a safe, nonsexual space.
If You Get An Erection, Put It Away
If you don’t put your masthead away, you’ll probably get yourself kicked out of the colony/resort/beach. To quote The Well Written Woman, “Anyone deliberately laying down or walking around with an obvious erection is trying to draw attention to themselves.”
Don't Wave Your Boner Around Like A Jackass
To quote a very creepy story from a blogger who took a friend to a nudist colony:
“Hey, you think I should show that girl my boner?” [my friend] asked.
“Uh, maybe not, I don’t think girls are really interested in boners unless they are attached to someone they already like, even then, I’m not sure they like being surprised.” I said.
“Yeah but this is a nudist colony.” he said.
“Hmmmm, why did I always think that boners were kinda bad game at the nude camp?”
“I’m gonna show her my boner.”Also bear in mind that families sometimes go to nudist colonies, which may mean you’re waving your rock hard chub around in front of children.
Please Walk Along The Shoreline
AANR also mentions respecting the local wildlife, which ties into the rule about not messing with alligators.
You Aren't Allowed To Take Photos