These days it feels like everywhere you turn, there’s some fool waiting to give you advice, tell you how to DIY, or suggest you fix all your problems with a few quick life pro tips (most of which are asinine bullsht). If you’ve had enough and are ready for a break from all the overwhelming wisdom, you’ve come to the right place. Here, we’ve gathered the worst, shttiest, most hilarious advice from a satirical subreddit aptly called /r/shittylifeprotips.
Please be forewarned: the following shtty life pro tips were selected by virtue of their overwhelming shttiness, and are in no way intended to be taken literally or actually tried (because they’re jokes, if case you’re a moron and didn’t pick up on that). If, however, you’re up for some f*cking terrible, hilarious advice from the annals (anals?) of the shittylifeprotips reddit, proceed.
Whether you’re out to learn how you can totally dodge debt by dying prematurely or are looking for the worst ways ever to prepare various foods, get ready to score. Here you’re in for some of the worst yet most hysterical ideas of all time.
Determine the Purity of Your Drugs with a Cocaine Volcano (It’s Not as Fun as it Sounds).
Eggs Are Great for Your Health. Hate the Taste? Add Cocoa, Butter, Flour, and Bake.
Coffee Stain on Your Clothes? Dip Them in Coffee to Match the Color.
How to Be an Electrician.
Hate Watching TV on Your Tiny Phone Screen? Magnify It in a Glass of Water.
Not Drunk Driving Hard Enough? Open Another Beer with Your Seat Belt!
Sick of Not Having Personal Space? Stab Everyone with Your Clothes.
Sick of Holding Your iPad While You Peruse Pornhub? Go Hands Free with a Boner.
Get a Clean Cut on Your Bagel by Taking Your Perv Uncle’s Advice: Put a Finger in Her.
Hate Losing Your Car in a Crowded Lot? Only Use Half the Spot.
Show Off Your Wily Management Skills Before You Even Enter the Room.
Hole in Your Black Sock? Draw on Your Foot, Dumbass.
Outlet Problems? Stick a Fork in It.
Utilize This Clever, Little Known Tactic to Become a Millionaire Over Night.
Wanna Sneak Candy into a Movie Theater? Put It in a F*cking Gun.
Kill Yourself with Cigarettes and Cancer to Alleviate Your Student Loan Debt.
Put Too Much Water in Your Rice? Toss in a Few Phones.
Impress Potential Employers by Acting Like a Crackhead Fresh from the Halfway House.
Out of Tacks? Grab the Nearest Kitchen Knife.
Who Needs an Air Hose to Clean a Keyboard? Toss That Sh*t in the Dishwasher, You Jabroni.
Did You Know? Bottle Caps Were Originally Designed as Fruit Holders.
Wanna Eat Spaghetti in Public? Stash That Sh*t in a Book, Motherf*cker.
Need to Boil an Egg? Drop It in Scalding Coffee and Stir with Your Finger (or Penis).
Play So Hard to Get You Get Got by Someone Else Then Cheat When Pregnant.
Wanna Make Your Kid’s Drink Look Spooky for Halloween? Blow Some Cigarette Smoke Into It. Or Serve Them Sewage.
Can’t Find Your Bookmark? Squirt Some Sauce on the Page.
Tired of Wasting Time Making Sandwiches? Stuff a Bagel with a Phallus (Such as a Banana).