Here you’ll find some crazy, wild, and just plain weird facts about animals and their sex lives. So if you’re ready to discover the horrible truth about how pandas get in the mood or the amazing form of birth control known only to chickens, take a look. You’re about to learn about everything from detachable penises to girl monkeys that charge males for sex.
So if you’re one of the bold few out there who’s ready to explore the animal kingdom in all its um…. “glory,” check out this list of facts about animal sex. These feisty creatures are ready to sing you the love song of their people and make you feel a helluva lot better about your own sex life.
The Average Blue Whale Penis Is Between 8 and 10 Feet Long
If you’ve ever wondered why male blue whales look so cocky, it’s probably due to the fact there penises are literally the largest on earth. Ranging between 8 to 10 feet long, the average blue whale’s penis is estimated to weigh “between 390 – 990 lbs. depending on the penis’s overall size.”
Male Dolphins Can Swivel Their Penises Like Helicopters
Male dolphins, much like male humans, have a generous sexual appetite and don’t necessarily just mate for the purposes of reproduction. Some male dolphins have even been observed coming up with creative forms of masturbation such as wrapping live eels around their penises.
Bonobos Are Bisexual and Think Sex Is the Answer to Every Situation
Like literally every situation. In the Bonobo world, casual sex is used for everything from conflict resolution to payment for food. Nearly all bonobos are thought to be bisexual and it’s estimated that up to 75% of the sex they engage in has nothing to do with reproductive purposes.
Girl Chickens Can Eject Sperm if They Don't Like the Rooster Who Mated With Them
As it turns out, chickens get around. . . a lot. In fact chickens have actually proven to be some of the most promiscuous members of the animal kingdom, often mating with far more roosters than is necessary to fertilize their eggs. Believe it or not, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t selective when it comes to breeding.
They practice what’s scientifically known as “seminal evacuation,” which basically means that if they don’t like the guy rooster they’ve done the deed with, they can eject his sperm after they’re done mating. According to a recently published paper, this helps girl chickens “retain control of paternity even in species such as fowl where males can force mating.”
Female Chinese Fruit Bats Give Males Blowjobs Even While They're Penetrating
That’s right, a recent delightfully random study on fruit bat sex found that females often lick the penises of male fruit bats even during sex itself. Researchers can only guess at why, but believe that it may help prolong the sexual encounter. And you thought your girlfriend was a freak.
Girl Macaque Monkeys Make Males Pay for Sex With Grooming Services
Researchers in Indonesia found that female macaque monkeys aren’t just giving it out for free to the first man who comes along. Male monkeys often treat perspective mates to a little free grooming in the hopes of getting a little something of their own in return. The researchers show that the fewer females that are around, the more groom time the girl monkeys are able to demand.
Elephant Penises Are So Huge, They Can Be Used as a Fifth Leg
As you can probably imagine, getting into position for elephant sex is not always the most easy task. That’s probably why elephant penises are incredibly. . . shall we say versatile. They can be used for everything from sex to helping an elephant prop up on his hind legs to swatting away flies.
Male Pandas Are Sometimes Shown Panda Porn to Encourage Mating
Though they may be exceptionally cuddly, Panda bears are not particularly known for their romantic sides. As Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Chengdu, China explains, most Pandas aren’t just out to hit it and quit it. “If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”
That’s why recently, Panda caretakers have been treating boy Pandas to a little Panda porn to help get them in the mood. Not only do the videos of other Pandas mating give the males a few helpful tips, they also help increase their libido.
Male Argonauts Have Detachable Penises That Can Swim Solo to a Mate
As cool a trick as this may seem, females don’t usually return the males’. . . um, property. As a result, males generally only get to procreate once, while females can mate several times over the course of a lifetime.
Girl Kangaroos Have Three Vaginas
As this screenshot from the British documentary series Inside Nature’s Giant‘s shows, a female kangaroo has two “side-vadges” where the sperm travels once ejaculated from a male kangaroo’s double-pronged penis. Once a joey has developed inside one of the uteri to about the size of a jellybean, it slides down the “middle-vadge,” is born, and continues it’s first few months of development in it’s mom’s pouch.
Sex Is Pretty Much the Only Thing Sloths Do Quickly
When female sloths are looking for a good time, they let the whole neighborhood know by sitting in their tree and shouting. The male sloths come to her and waste no time with foreplay, sometimes resulting in sex that only lasts a matter of seconds.
Flatworm Mating Rituals Are Basically a Penis Sword Fight
Flatworms have both male and female sex organs and considering it’s a lot easier in the long run to impregnate than to be impregnated, the issue of which will take on the epic task of motherhood is solved by a penis “sword fight.”
The epic struggle can last for up to an hour and ends when one stabs and deposits semen into the other. After the issue is solved, the “loser” immediately starts searching for food and the needed nutrients to sustain the development of the eggs while the father goes on his merry way.
Lion Couples Get Stuck Together During Sex
This is because male lions, like all cats, have barbed penises with backwards facing spines. Ouch! The pair can only safely part after the male lion’s ejaculation subsides.
Sex with the Queen Bee Ends in Penis Explosion and Death
Though male honey bees will compete to mate with the queen, the winner’s penis detaches after an exploding erection (literally). Then he dies. Think of them as sort of sexual suicide bombers.
Gastric Brooding Frogs Develop in Their Dad's Mouth Rather Than Mom's Womb
After the eggs are laid, the (now extinct) male frog will guard them until the tadpoles start to hatch. At which point, the male scoops them into his vocal sac, where they develop until they are ready to be carried to a stream and start lives of their own.
Koala Bears Have Two Penises
Not to fear however, because not unlike kangaroos, female koalas have three vaginas, two for doing the deed and a third for birthing. Male koalas attract females looking to get down by calling out or “bellowing” in order to attract females to their territory. The odds of a male koala getting lucky are increased due to the fact that female koalas mate with a different male every year.
Alligators Have Permanent Erections 24/7
Diane Kelly from the University of Massachusetts enjoys a delightfully random specialty in the area of animal penises. Her overview of that of the American alligator penis reveals that “it’s permanently erect; it shoots out like toothpaste from a tube; and it bounces back because it basically has a rubber band attached to it. It is really weird.” Indeed.
Green Anacondas Mate Orgy-Style in "Breeding Balls"
Life can be hard for male green anacondas, as they are often forced to compete with a large array of other dudes, even as they are actively mating. This happens when a number of males center around a single female anaconda whose ready to mate and form a large “breeding ball” which can stay together for up to four weeks. During this time the guy anacondas all compete to get to female and. . . place their bid for procreation.
Boy Cats Have Barbed Penises to Scrape Out Competitors' Sperm
Ever wonder why girl cats seem less than enthused about sex? Now ya know. Cat sex is not at all pleasant, as boy cats are equipped with barbed penises that both stimulate the ovulation process and scrape away the semen of rival male cats who may have also mated with the same female.
Male Giraffes Check Out Ladies by Drinking Their Urine to See if They're Fertile
This unfortunate giraffe practice is known as the “Flehmen sequence” and involves the male rubbing his face against a potential mate’s lady parts until she pees into his mouth. He can tell by its taste whether she’s in heat and if she is, he will proceed to follow her around hoping she’ll find him worthy of reproducing with.